my room smells like sperm. sweet.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
