Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
