i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
