You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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