there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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