just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
