I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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