It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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