ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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