1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
