So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize