You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
