Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
