This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
