peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
