He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize