he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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