You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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