i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
