So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
