i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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