My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
