you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
