guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
