What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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