I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize