im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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