Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
