Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
