hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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