i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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