The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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