You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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