I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I am available for nakedness
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
