too bad you live with your parents still
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
