Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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