I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
