goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
