Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
