im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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