I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
