Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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