...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
