I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
This is classic penis vs brain.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
