I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
