Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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