When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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