Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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