Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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