Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
