Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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