dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
