I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
