you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
honey bunches of taint.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
