is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
