i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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