hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm really busy with my period
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