U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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