Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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