I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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