I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
