I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
