why im i the only drunk person in the library?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
