never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She made me pour olive oil on her.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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