Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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