Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
