I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
