Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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