You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
