Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
